| Get ready everyone, home computers are about to | | | | how she interprets the vows.Oh...you think I make too |
| set new LAN speed records! The Intel 64-bit microchip | | | | much of this do you? Perhaps. But for those of you |
| will soon be powering the new line of Pentium 4 | | | | who may not be as, how should I say...techno hip... let |
| computers. This long awaited sizzling fast release will | | | | me explain the speed differential between the present |
| be heading to store shelves across America just in | | | | 32-bit sludge processors (like the one I just |
| time for the new blazing fast Windows 64-bit | | | | bought...twice) and the new sleek Intel 64-bit miracle |
| operating system. You'll get the 64-bit Pentium | | | | maker.Picture languishing in a huge super Wal-Mart |
| microchip, the 64-bit operating system, and that's not all, | | | | with two hundred bargain happy shoppers squeezing |
| if you spend all your money, you'll also get all the new | | | | through 32 cash registers at once. And just to make it |
| 64-bit stellar fast software programs that will leave | | | | really painful, some have price checks and |
| current versions coughing in the rooster tail of their | | | | questionable coupons. See yourself in line. A long line. |
| 64-bit micro-dust.Yet a startling new poll indicated a | | | | And all you can do to pass the time is inch along |
| majority of respondent(s) were actually upset by the | | | | reading the "13 Things Wives Never Tell Their |
| good news from the technology sector.Here are the | | | | Husbands". After awhile, you might get close enough |
| fascinating results of the poll:Respondent(s) gave a 1-10 | | | | to see another magazine cover with a picture of |
| rating regarding their anticipated personal happiness | | | | Jennifer, ...the exact moment she found out about Brad. |
| and productivity that the newer and faster computers | | | | Go ahead judge Brad, you've got the time. You can |
| would yield. 1 being: "I'm in electronic nirvana, I waited to | | | | even manufacture some contempt for that vixen |
| buy, I was patient and did not up-grade pre-maturely, | | | | Angelina. You're not going anywhere, no one is going |
| and now the technology gods have rewarded my | | | | anywhere. They've only got 32 cash registers |
| computer buying diligence, bestowing upon me a new | | | | open!Suddenly, one of the cashiers feels the heat, |
| Intel 64-bit processor, operating system and software | | | | fumbles for the microphone, and makes a garbled |
| as soon as they come out!!" And 10 being: "Don't talk | | | | announcement. It must be in code, because no one |
| to me I hate you!" The margin of error was +/- 0%. | | | | can understand it, yet the next thing you know, |
| Questionnaires were sent to a scientific sample of | | | | everyone is tossing magazines and trampling children, |
| 1.OK it was me. I polled myself. And no I'm not happy. | | | | nuns, & puppies. Why? I'll tell you why. Because 32 |
| But wait, before you judge me harshly, I should give | | | | more cashiers are now open for the next person in |
| you some facts about myself that might engender | | | | line! That makes a grand total of 64 cashiers |
| some empathy. First of all, I'm cursed. I don't know how | | | | "processing" transactions instead of 32! The line is |
| this works, but I hold all power over technological | | | | moving fast..."Come on people, we're all going home!" |
| advances. That's right, new technology will not be | | | | And that my friend is how the new Intel 64-bit |
| released to the computer buying public until I finally | | | | microchip works. Do you see now why I mourn?"The |
| decide to upgrade...to the old technology. Narcissistic? | | | | analogy is brilliant", you might say, "but how does that |
| Hardly. There is a cosmic triggering mechanism that | | | | translate into reality?" Well, the average home |
| knows. If you happened to be tuned in, it would go a | | | | computer user will now be able to print a letter at .005 |
| little something like this: "Technology universe heed! | | | | nanoseconds instead of .006! Think of it. You'll be pulling |
| Rick has purchased Super Gizmo 3.0. Prepare to | | | | out your letter from the printer, while I'll still be be pulling |
| launch version 4.0. Wait for my command....Steady... | | | | out my letter from the printer too, but a whole .001 |
| There, he's exceeded the store return policy envelope. | | | | nanoseconds behind, unless I come up with an |
| Launch upgrade. Brace for impact and greatness of | | | | ingenious "low tech" way to make up the difference |
| sorrow. That is all."So I hope you're happy. Because | | | | and win.So go ahead, buy the faster computer, see if I |
| the only reason, that you can go out and buy the new | | | | care, I don't mind. One day I'll have that 64-bit, right |
| Intel 64-bit P4 wonder machine and all of the wonder | | | | before the 128's come out. And perhaps you'll be |
| programs & software to come, is because I just | | | | standing with me, in 64-bit hell, wanting my Cosmo, but |
| bought a beautiful 32-bit machine with matching laptop. | | | | no, I'm not done reading it yet. I still need to find out the |
| No, that's ok, you don't have to thank me. It's just a | | | | "22 Secrets of True Passion and How To Enlighten |
| burden that I must carry. I do it stoically and with quiet | | | | Your Idiot Man." And then we'll see who mourns, when |
| dignity, normally, but this is a revolutionary advance, a | | | | I look you in the eye and say, "Go find your own |
| tectonic shift in computing acceleration and I'm going to | | | | magazine!"Rick David writes a humor column entitled, |
| wail out loud, because I just can't go out and buy | | | | |
| another computer and stay married! At least that's | | | | "Don't Laugh, It Could Happen To You! |